~ turn into big things
I skipped last weeks Muse Update and most of my social media posting. I am really trying to work on that Grand Cleanse you can read about in my previous entry. What to keep, what to drop, what to do and what to work on when things are tough.
Do you ever struggle with yourself? I mean struggle with the things you have chosen to do or neglected to do. What about regrets in regards to life that now has passed, but (and this is a BIG BUT) still have to deal with the consequences?
It is really hard not to beat oneself up over these things. I struggle with that because I know I am not where I should be. Funny enough, with my country’s political environment, I actually feel like someone sucked me into an alternate universe for their personal amusement and I have obstacles that prevent me from going back.
Going back – that is the rub. Regardless of how hard we try, we never get to go back to where ever and what ever it is fully. Sure, we can visit a place and remember. We can work on ourselves to emulate the person we used to be (ie: I would love my teen body and its youthful glory).
What we can do is move forward at our unique pace. Honestly, I have been hard wishing to go back about 15 years and have a redo. My heart hurts and breaks many times over at choices of things I have done, not done and took for granted. My life was awesome – well my life is still awesome, it is when I chose not to reflect on why it is awesome that I feel in the dumps about it.
There are several realizations that I have popped into my mind over the last month. One of them is, “Little things become big things”. Here how this concept has been working so far for me:
This is really about setting seeds and focus. What you feed is what grows – good, bad or indifferent. It is YOUR choice on the seeds you plant for yourself and the focus you chose.
I dislike how unhealthy I have become over the last few years in body, mind and spirit. I chose to feed physical inactivity, poor nutrition and mental instability. I did have several spurts of attempts to get back with it that slid back into that big hole. I do not want this. I want the opposite. Amazing health body, mind and spirit. I also know, I can do it.
My choices to feed amazing health, body, mind and spirit for this past week:
- I found a fitness battle buddy to be accountable to and to be an accountability partner for her quest as well. How? – I posted in a group based on fitness and Star Trek (yes Body by Starfleet on Facebook – it does exist). I am not sure, but I think this is called networking (shhh lol).
- I committed to my new partner a goal of a minimum of three work outs for the week and trying to eat healthier.
- I weighed myself, measured myself and took starting photos. My plan is to redo the measurements and photos once a month and the weight once a week. I recorded my resting heart rate provided by Fitbit as well. The photos are below. I find them embarrassing, but this is where I am. Cute, eh?!? I guess if you see me at close to my worst it is only uphill from here. LOL!
I dropped college when I could no longer focus due to depression hitting in strong. This is another area that I deeply regret. There are things that I wish I did do for my mental health, but honestly felt help was not available to me. No insurance, no job at the time.
My choices for the lifelong dream of an education:
- I made the choice to keep this on my list of things to finish.
- I made the choice to deal with issues that are mental obstacles first.
- In the meantime, I signed up for a couple of free courses to get my mind back into school sync, so I will be ready when I do go back.
The Hard Stuff – Finances, Housing, Taxes
Losing my job in 2017 was devastating to me. My whole identity was tied up in this job. I was well paid, had insurance and could take care of things reasonably. It has been a hard journey finding any sense of stability since. Job jumping for one reason or another, no insurance still and finances taking a major hit has left the savings dried up and gone and the consequences of lifelong choices in my face. Time to pay the piper, so to speak. I can sit in the midst of the hardship and fade away. I can fight the hardship on the spinning mouse wheel and not get anywhere. I can make choices that move me forward.
My choices so far are simply these little things:
- Get out from under my house. I am either going to sell it or give it to the bank. I need to cut my losses here.
- Invest $5 a month into some micro investments. Thanks to SoFi, I can actually do this without an IRA or retirement fund. It would be more, but I don’t currently have more.
- Finish business taxes and my taxes for 2019. I know – behind. I need to do it and maintain. This is what I am working on this week. Last week, I gathered all my documentation together. This week I organize it and do it one little bit at a time.
- Concentrate on my writing one book at a time rather than all three at a time. I chose BAA BAA Black Sheep to work on first. This book is also part of a business product, so it is a one – two whammy.
- Do my best at my part time job, consistently giving my employer my best as I work through everything.
- Focus on these things consistently until they are done. When the house is off the list, school jumps on the list. When the taxes are done, maintenance and routine are in. When BAA BAA Black Sheep is done, I will pick one of the other two books in progress. Having a back burner list is okay.
- Creating, artistic endeavors and gaming are my rewards. I get a little of them everyday as I do my things.
These are my seeds that I am feeding, nurturing and growing. One day they will overgrow the weeds, messes and barren parts I let into my life. I am cleaning out space for them as I go and letting them take hold. It is choice. It is focus. It all starts with something small. Little things become big things.
I know some people are uncomfortable with my style of writing. I have been told I should not share personal bits and pieces. Remove most of what I wrote and give everyone an overview bullet pointed step by step. This is my writing style. I share, because sharing allows someone else struggling to be able to grab hold and see the possibilities in action. My goal is inspiration and to journey with others. That requires sharing.
This is also a seed that I am feeding, nurturing and growing so it will grow and become something big one day. Do you have anything that you regret or parts of you that you do not appreciate? How are you working through it?