It is raining outside. The sound of the rain is like a gentle lullaby calling me into a nap. My favorite cup of tea is near me, untouched, but I can taste the smell. These dismal type of days are my comfort days. My body just wants to find a couch somewhere and dig deep into a book, sip tea while being serenaded by mother nature as she gently cleanses the land.
I am not sure where I picked up the symbology in my mind, but this is what I feel throughout my body and in my minds eye whenever this soft falling grey day appears in life. It causes me to pause.
A deep unction has been bubbling inside me over the last two months. I have this strong desire – maybe compelling to go through and do a Grand Cleanse of myself and my life. Maybe this is also what is known as a mid life crisis?!? I do not know.
I feel it is a reevaluation of life itself, it’s purpose and my role within that. I used to believe the other way around – my purpose and life’s role within that. Is this common? Not sure. To be honest, after the last few years, I am not sure there is a “common” any longer.
At any rate, I have a long list of things that I have “screwed up” over the course of my life and a longer list of “want/need to dos” that has been oppressively pushing me down. Couple that with my silencing over the last ten years in part due to some bullying and a deep struggle with social anxiety that developed as social media suddenly had strategic must do and must not do lists, metrics and specific unstated rules to follow.
One of my screw ups was stopping my original blogs. Had I kept them, I would have over twenty years of content on virtual reality, digital art, gaming, poetry and a very long drama in blog form – each with their own large followings. All I had to do was maintain them. Did I save them – not in a good strategic way. Some poor old desktops mutilated hard drives became their cemeteries. I regret it. I loved it. I wrote three or four times a day.
How do I correct this? I don’t. I take the lesson and understand that our future life is built on what we do each and every date. Those things that seem meaningless or small actually could be a platform to spread wings and grow. Honestly, this one I let go of, take the lessons and continue on. At any rate, I am going to wade myself back into the world of blogging and touching those cusps of social media once again. This time a little differently. Thick skin buff activated. I cannot care what others think. I can appreciate others thoughts, but this just means those thoughts are not my standard for action and should never be that standard. The other side is acknowledging the responsibility for providing content. There are legalities I need to pay attention to, be serious about and address. Other than that, I do not need to have rules. I can simply be me and develop content that reflects the uniqueness that exists within.
It is taking the regret and appreciating the blank and blotchy slate I have to build upon. I have freedom to do, grow, be and learn. I can walk in authenticity without worrying about it. This is freedom. It is cleansing.
I won’t force everyone to ride this ride as I pick up each item and analyze it, put it into perspective and find a way to move forward. I will acknowledge there are simply things I need to do besides this analysis to clean up some of those so called screw ups to set things on a cleaner slate to move forward into the second half of life. One of which is taking a good look at all of those projects I have listed and determining if they are still worthwhile. I am keeping my three book writing projects. Everything else – meh. Well, I have a commission to complete which stays on to get done and my planner that is also in the works. Other than that, everything else is truly not necessary or needed.
Sometimes productivity is not in what one can get done, but what you can take off that list to allow one to move forward. Not everything we put on our lists is actually necessary or important, but just being there can be weighing. Now if I could lose actual physical weight this way, I would have it made.
Thanks for tuning into this weeks Muse Update. This process will undoubtedly continue and perhaps I may write more about it – or not. No rules here. See you next time.