It has been a fight – no correction, a struggle. I am not really fighting much of anything, but the struggling is exhausting. Life tosses us curve balls that shine a light on how we are really doing in life. That light brings introspection.
There are so many different philosophies to living and my struggle for the longest time used to be, “Which one is the right one?” I was always worried about choosing “right”. The only reality that I have ever been able to determine is none or all or any of them. I never found a “home” singular philosophy that quite matches up.
I have a strong love for God. That may surprise many people, because I generally do not vocalize that part of me. That strong love for God is what has kept me during my darkest deepest times, because honestly there was no friend sitting by, checking on me or calling to see. I did not just feel alone. I was alone. I do have many friends, but the why & how is another discussion all together.
I have found people rally around when one is at their strongest, when they are making progress in life. When things start to fall apart, they slowly vacate – exit stage left or stage right. I do not fault people for this. I understand it. I, myself, navigate away from things and people that I find negative. It hurts to much, reminds me of things I may not want to deal with in my own being or makes me shudder at the prospect of being where I do not want to be. Individuals in their strongest moments, doing, reaching and living attract others. It is like we get a buff before going out on our own grand quest in life. (If you do not get that last sentence you probably do not game – lol).
Negativity attracts more negativity. That brings dark things, thinking and people into ones life. It takes up the focus and it is polarizing in a most damaging way. People scatter from this and all that is left is dark, cold, swampy negativity and no hope of a life line out in a mind given over to it. This is depression at its finest. No one suffers through depression with you. They just witness it, hide from it and avoid it. It sucks life energy like a black hole.
What does this have to do with a philosophy of living? Living without invites depression in the door. Depression becomes the philosophy. It is like a hound howling through the night and sitting on you during the day to keep you immobilized. It is a way of life. Time warps exist here. You think you did actions, but you didn’t – you thought about them. Procrastination snuggles close. Your mind’s thought processes slowly shut down and start circling like a vulture going in for the kill.
I felt that I had to have a philosophy that was already in existence with a merry band of followers that I could socialize with and enjoy my tea over deep discussions. LOL! Not so.
The truth is, as individuals we are given a (or set of) philosophy of living as we grow up and at some point we have to chose our own or chose to validate the one(s) we inherited. For some of us, it is a pretty simple process. For others it is a life long journey that can become hellish at times.
Honestly, I am grateful for those deep moments of depression. They mess my life up terribly, but they also grant me some very deep lessons in who I am and who I am not. The deepest depression has taught me what I do not want my philosophy of living to be and that they are always changing as we learn, experience and grow. Philosophy becomes fluid, like water, still living by its nature, properties and base.
Where does this leave me today? One step closer. I have learned over the past decade that I had been living an illusion. Start, restart, start, restart, change, start, change, try to start, fail, restart, fail, fail, start, change, restart.
I regurgitated what I thought I was suppose to say in some sort of compliance. All of the starts, changes, fails and restarts were based upon another person’s idea, thoughts and viewpoints. While I had my own, I stuffed them deep down inside.
Life is not about fulfilling another person’s dreams of who you are or should become. It is about being the grand creation of who you actually are and reaching out to the ever changing potential of who you can be through the journey you have walked each day. It is not dependent upon another person’s views, thoughts or beliefs (no matter how hard they try to insert themselves there). This is truly between you, yourself and your creator (if you believe in one).
This was and still is mind blowing to me and has become a part of my personal philosophy for living. I am me. No one else is and no one has the expertise to speak on my behalf. I am a renegade. You won’t hear me roar, but you might see me walk away, smell the roses and let noise be noise.
I know it has been a while since I last posted. I had such great intentions. Plans were thwarted. There was some life changes, moves and craziness. Stability is like a surf board, only reliable if one knows how to stay on the board and ride the wave. I was taken down under for a bit.
Instead of grand promises, crazy obligations for the sake of obligation, I am going to do what I did years ago. I will blog, share, read and enjoy. Keep the metrics, the performances and numbers somewhere else. I do not have a desire to be best whatever. I am already the best me there is and that my friends, is good enough.
Let’s discuss, go deep, have fun and do whatever that brings life forward in a positive way. The journey is not always great, the struggles exist and I never want anyone to think it is always a masterful performance. Our social digital lives have become makeup filled with a false realism and illusion. It is not healthy. Relax in the fact that it is more than okay to be you. I will be me. Together we will enjoy us being who we are as we journey.
In other words, I am just going to share my stuff, be real, be authentic and not hide the bad, good or indifferent. It is all life. It all belongs. The importance is what do you do when you are up, that will help you when you are down. How do you walk through those days and how to you flatten that curve between up and down? Do you even want to? [Tangent officially linked up – lol]
If you made it to the end – thanks for reading.